Frankly bi-polar: where does it come from?

Like this obscured and not complete picture how a person develops the 'symptoms' of bi-polar is unsure. As far as I know whilst there are many members of my family who suffer from uni-polar disorder where they can experience depression, or have in the past, there is no-one with the 'double crown' of bi-polar, highs and lows, except me!

Wonderful! Thank you! So where is the explanation?

It is possible that bi-polar is genetic though this has been difficult to prove. This would mean that certain families have a greater biological propensity to develop the symptoms of bi-polar. Certainly people who live in Northern latitudes seem to develop depression at greater intensity, though whether this is a genetic factor or the fact they have less sunlight is another matter.

I am totally convinced by the idea that Bi-polar is inherited through some kind of Psychological-Behavioural way, and this can have an input from both parents. My father was definitely manic in his behaviour and would work endlessly writing his books. His tantrums were frightening. He controlled his ablity to become Psychotic I think by being OCD and tried to strictly enforce these laws  on me and my siblings. He went to bed on time after the typical anti-manic medicine of very strong Gin and tonics. I think I inherited his hard work ethic, the strive for being perfect and also a deep-down unconfidence with society. He had been a successful man but within an employment environment which looked down on Northern English men with accents. He worked in the Civil Service and was never easy with cocktail parties. My mother suffered from depression or uni-polar disorder. She always encouraged me to fight this stagnation imposed on by my father. I became the family clown, the creative funny one. I had these two threads running through my psyche I think. My Grandfather on my fathers' side was possibly the most controlling man ever. He insisted the newspaper was ironed, that everyone be quiet, and when we emptied his drawers and cupboards after he died there were vast examples of the way he had a strange organisation of his life, huge bundles of tools, reams of paper, hundreds of polish tins, big packets of elastic bands. A man it seemed intent on fuelling his anxieties about not having the right thing at hand. He was a cruel man in many ways and I thin when he died his widow had a better life.

I think this Psychological-Behavioural element of the development of Bi-polar as being strong. I feel that when I look back there were two forces operating: one of my fathers' suppression and order and the other of my mothers' wishing that somehow we be relinquished of this. But then follows a new interesting dimension of my Bi-polar development I think.

I think a Cultural non-alignment is significant. I think it is one thing to juggle various issues in a family, but then not having these resolved, having no consistency and being removed elsewhere compounds the problem. At the age of ten I was a Nigerian boy in some senses. Happily playing at school, catapulting birds, swimming in pools. I was sensitive but calm despite the problems going on in my family. I was sent to boarding school in England (I am sure for the right reasons because there were no suitable schools in Lagos), but I was sent to live with a society which was so different from the one I knew and I had very few social skills to operate successfully. I spoke bad English, my hair was cut short (it was the 70's then). I was regarded as an oddity and bullied in that vague kind of way which is acceptable in those schools. I cried. I had letters censored. I felt I had to do my best and churned on unhappy.

They say that those suffering from Bi-polar disorders develop the wave, the cycle of depression with a 'need' to get better, 'be bright' develops in early teens. I certainly became depressed. I had no idea where I was or who I was. I thought that this was the process of 'growing up' or 'being a man'. It is possible that the processes operating inside my mind were of any 'normal' individual at any typical boarding school, but I think not. In a strange kind of way I was also drawn into 'religion' as a way of anaesthetising my feelings by an insistent Priest. This experience was a kind of psychological abuse I think in retrospect.

Life goes on!It is not surprising that my school reports note me down as 'reticent of authority'. I don't think I had found anywhere someone who could put things right. Nevertheless I progressed and my talents were harnessed and I became more wholesome and confident though often found (and still do) the rigours of trying to operate as a sensitive human being in learning environments which are more Victorian difficult. I persisted and the mood began to lift. Eventually after 3 or 4 years studying I became a possible Cambridge University entrant. My grades were good enough and I was selected for the exam.

Looking backI know I was on a high. I was witty, clever (many days studying facts) though probably not so intelligent as I did not have a handle on my situation. I spent a holiday in Malawi where my parents were. I was idle, after spending so much time studying. The news came. I had got into Cambridge. This brings me onto the next possibility of where Bi-polar comes from.

 

I was a fit guy, very fit. I played squash regularly (sometimes 2 hours a day). I swam, hiked. I drank the odd beer, sometimes I got a bit drunk, but nothing excessive. i did smoke cigarettes. One night I was out with a group of friends and we were drinking Bacardi and coke. We were being stupid. One of them had some dope and so we smoked it. We were all over the place laughing and pretending to fly in the squash court.It was really great for a while, but then I became really sick, throwing up, thinking I was going to die, sweating in an unimaginable way.

I recovered from that evening. Though this I think was Toxic Psychosis

My father was insistent I shouldn't idle my way in Malawi (where they now lived) and I should return to live with my relatives in Northern-England. This is where I suffered the next period of Cultural non-alignment.

I was ill-equipped to deal with living with my relatives. I had no idea about how to get a job. I tried to, but did not succeed. I could not cook for myself when I was supposed to. I tried to keep fiit. I tried to do what I thought was right.

One day I remember, after swimming what I thought were Olympian times in the pool, swallowing handfulls of Vitamin B, eating lots of chocolate, I saw a huge ghost in the distance. My parents had returned on leave and after a day of wandering around, getting into arguments it was obvious I wasn't right. I was hospitalised in a general hospital and then moved to a mental one. The hospital was archaic. I danced with the ladies. Took solace in the setting sun. Became brown from the Cholorpromazine until I was realeased. The day I was picked up my father stopped the car in a by-way and emphatically insisted 'Do not tell anyone about this. EVER!'

This first stage of my Bi-polar experience. It was diagnosed as something between Toxic Psychosis (from the dope, they had found out about that night in the squash courts) or Paranoid Schizephrenia.

I did have 4 months to recover before my term started at Cambridge. I did go!

This is my effort and understanding where my bi-polar came from. I might be wrong.